You are my heart’s sacrifice.
I knew it all along. I knew it from the first time I laid my eyes on you. I knew it from the first time I got the chance to talk to you after the incident that night. And thinking about it, I realized that we met in the most extraordinary yet,unexpected way. And I thanks heavens for giving me the chance to have met a wonderful woman like you. You are this free spirited girl, you have the heart for people, you are kind, and gentle, sincere, funny and you can be little bit fierce at times. The list of what you are to me might go on, but one thing is for sure, I fell in love with you. Deeply. Surely. All at once.
But then again, you are one of those things that I can’t have. You are like a famous painting being displayed at an art museum, leaving a lot of people in awe. While, I am just a drawing, made out of charcoal and paper that can be sold 1 cent per piece. That’s all I am, and you knew that. People in your clan reminds you every damn day that you and I can’t be together– we’re different. At first, I thought, maybe they are right– you are way out of my league and I should just give up the illusion that you have felt the same way towards me. And all of this was big fat mistake. I thought about forgetting you. But, you came back and you rescued me. You came back for me. And from that moment I knew that I would do everything it takes for me to save you. From anything– from the darkness, the pain, the cold waters of the Atlantic. I am more than willing to bear the danger of this world for you.
I just want to make you feel the happiest girl in the world. To have you free from all the weights of the world on your shoulder. I want you travel, to experience a lot of things, to see all the things that this world can offer. You deserve that. Live your life the way you want it to be lived. And I’ll wait till we can be together again. Maybe not in this world but somewhere that our love could be eternal. Until then, live well.
You don’t look like love.
You don’t knock on my door, with flowers in hands.
You don’t speak to me in a nature of language I know love does—you don’t speak in metaphors, in the make-believe promises I know love does.
You don’t hold my hand only to be kept within your touch, like love does.
You don’t ask me to get something to eat when it’s convenient for you, like love does.
You don’t bring me in movie houses like love does.
You don’t ask me to binge watch Netflix series, like love does.
You don’t ask me to go with you in your car for a ride home, like love does.
You don’t ask me to go in a night club right after class, like love does.
You don’t sneak in to my room, like love does.
You aren’t everything I know love is.
You don’t just knock on my door—you barged in emitting this very big smile every time even when I have tried my hardest to push you away. You spoke in thousand thoughts, inside jokes, in hopes of trying to make me feel better after a long bad day. You became my friend and confidant. You held my hand whenever I feel afraid and push me to chase my dreams and assure me that you’ll be there throughout the way. You always ask me to get something to eat because you knew how I love to eat—we would have everything for ourselves and would get out of the pizza place with a big tummy and empty pocket because we have spent everything we have ‘til the last penny. I can get fat and you’ll still tell me that I looked beautiful even when I do not think it’s true. And you don’t bring me to movie houses to watch all of these movies that are derived from books. Instead, you bring me to your favourite book store and you’ll buy me that book saying that it is much better if I read it. And it is. You don’t ask me to binge watch Netflix series but you do ask me to watch the night sky, revealing a countless of stars that seems like a scattered pixie dust in the pitch black painted sky. And you would talk to me your own fears, your dreams, you would talk about me your universe ‘til you fall asleep and all I can hear is your soft breath through the phone. Unlike any other love, you don’t have a car and you would ask me if I would like to take a walk with you home. And yes, I would ditch all those ride home to have those moments where I can look into your eyes while you tell me about your day and to hear your hearty laugh that have always complete my days. I would take every moment to be with you. We may have a different way of celebrating a Friday night, but I’ll chose it over some vodka and dance. I’ll prefer it to be in a nice coffee shop, with you, with a good book, and the aroma of a newly brewed coffee. You don’t sneak in to my room like love does. You came in gently. Knowing me, my family and loving them as much as you loved me.
You don’t look like love.
And I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I did not know you like I know love. I am grateful you didn’t have flowers in hands when you first barged on my door. You have your heart. And I am more than sure that you are more than love could ever be.
And for once in a long while, I know this love will stay for keeps.
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to move on. I’m afraid that every fiber in me will still long for you even if after the seasons have changed. I’m afraid that I will still have your photograph close to my heart every night I go to sleep. I’m afraid that I will still fill your mug with coffee every waking moment. I’m afraid that I’ll wait for you to come home. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to burn all of the hand written letters you have given me— I’m afraid that I won’t be able to turn your memories into ashes. I’m afraid that I will still listen to the song that will always remind me of you. I’m afraid that you still makes me happy. I’m afraid that you still pained me. I’m afraid of you, but I’m more afraid of myself. I’m afraid that I will be for you for eternity, even if you will never be for me.
We were like in one of those computer generated virtual reality. We saw the raw in each other and our soul almost collide together– but it doesn’t. I can almost touch you within an arm’s reach but I can’t seem to get hold of you. You fade, you reappear, you run in circles. And tried, I tried to chase you, i start over, and chase you–all over again. But is this what I was supposed to feel? I felt exhausted, pained, excited, happy, hopeless, hopeful, sad, all at once. And I don’t know if you care about with any of these, but if you do, please do me a favor, leave.
Or stay– for real.
If I could sleep, I’ll sleep without having the worries of waking up in the middle of the night, with a tear stained face, afraid and cold, like I have fell into the thin ice of your memories. If I could speak, I’ll speak every words that I have etched in my heart long after you were gone. Yet, I could not do any of those things. Instead, I lie awake, counting the stars that painted the pitch black sky, waiting for the dawn like I have waited for you everyday.
I still wished to see the universe behind those eyes.
I wish I could still write about you.
I wish I could still engrave your name on a diary just like what I used to do.
I wish I could still write on how we first met,
I wish I could still write on how your brown eyes can open up a soul — in the most amazing way that I have ever seen.
Or about the first time I held your hand and how it felt so safe.
Or maybe about the most craziest thing we’ve been through.
Or even the worst thing we did together.
It’s been years but,
I wish I could still write about how grateful I am to have you in my life.
I wish I could still write about how much I wanted you to be with me forever.
I wish I could still write on how the little things that you do makes me wanna be with you for as long as I could.
I wish I could still write about you.
I wish I could still write hundreds of poems on how much I love you.
I wish for it every day.
Only that, you’re not my story nor my poem to write anymore.
And I wish I could write about you till I bleed no more.
It’s funny how years can go by and yet, I can still feel your breath against my ear when you whisper my name, the tingling sensation running through my spine every time you held me so close to your body, the touch of your warm hands exploring every inch of my being. And it was amazing, the thought of you having me is exhilarating enough for me to forget that the stars and the moon shines above, watching us. The thought of you having me is almost enough for me to forget the world. Only that, you we’re long gone, and here I was, still lost in your eyes. I
Sumapit na naman iyong mga oras na ganito,
Hinihiling na sana ay nakakulong akong muli sa mga bisig mo,
Kung saan rinig ko ang bawat pagpintig ng iyong puso;
Ang payapang pag hinga sa iyong pagtulog.
Heto na naman ako, hindi dalawin ng antok ngunit,
Paulit-ulit na namang nalulunod sa mga alaala mo.